Estranged Adoptees: When the Holidays Aren’t So Merry

It's the most wonderful time of the year...or is it? For some adoptees, it's a season of pain and healing as they navigate estrangement with adoptive families.

Hanging ornaments on the tree is one of my favorite holiday traditions.

Greetings friends! We are in the thick of the holidays—from turkey and Friendsgivings, straight to frantic Christmas shopping, hot cocoa, photos with Santa, and festive gatherings.

I love Christmas—I’m the person who puts up the tree early, listens to Christmas music every day, and watches my favorite holiday movies on repeat. I love what Christmas means: Jesus’ birth, spreading holiday cheer, giving our time and resources to those less fortunate, and cherishing moments with loved ones. However, the holidays haven’t always been such a joyful time for me.

For some adoptees, our relationships with our adoptive families can be complicated, to say the least. Over the years, I’ve met adoptees who are estranged from their birth families and I’ve come to understand that this is the reality for many—including myself.

Adoption can be a positive, life-changing experience, but it doesn't come with a guarantee of unconditional love, understanding, or smooth relationships. Our relationships with our adoptive families can be marked by a sense of not fully belonging or by experiences of emotional neglect or abuse. It's especially painful when we feel that we are not seen or heard for who we truly are, or that our grief and trauma—often stemming from before the adoption—are overlooked.

My adoptive father has since passed away, but I’ve been estranged from my adoptive parents for many years. Before that, I felt pressured to attend family gatherings during the holidays and maintain a façade of a loving family—something I didn’t actually have—because it was what was expected of me, rather than prioritizing my mental health and needs (you can read more details about that in my book). Eventually, I realized that I didn’t need to continue to place myself in situations that triggered my anxiety and trauma. I needed to put my well-being first, even at the cost of losing family.

Instead of the usual holiday cheer and warmth, the season can bring forth complex emotions for adoptees, who may struggle with a sense of not fully belonging to either their adoptive family or their birth family.

If you are struggling this season:

• Take time to acknowledge your feelings, and know that you are not alone.

• Talk to a therapist or seek out supportive communities with people who understand your experience.

• Remember that love and support don’t need to come from your adoptive family—they can come from your friends or chosen family.

• Create new traditions, or spend the holidays in ways that feel most authentic to you.

  
  

Over time, I’ve come to cherish this season by spending it with my chosen family—my son, husband, friends, and even my in-laws—who accept me for who I am and create a safe, nurturing space. Though I lost one family, I gained so much more—the love and support of those who truly have my back. This season, my hope is that you find the peace, belonging and love you deserve.

#estrangement #adoptionexperience #holidays #christmas #chosenfamily #adoptivefamily #adoptee #selflovejourney #wellbeingmatters

Feel free to leave a comment, and Subscribe to get email updates on new blog posts.