Adoption and the Rosy-Colored Lens of Gratitude

A closer look at the complex relationship between adoption and gratitude.

A word that has come to the forefront of my mind lately is 'gratitude'. It came up frequently at the BIPOC Adoptee Voices Conference last month, and was even a topic of a keynote presentation. When most people hear the words 'grateful' or 'gratitude', they’re associated with positivity and appreciation, but for many adoptees, gratitude is a complex and sometimes triggering term that oversimplifies and glosses over our experiences.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the word 'grateful' as “appreciative of benefits received” and “affording pleasure or contentment". I make a conscious effort every day to be grateful—for my health, my husband and son, our home, my dog, catching a beautiful sunset, or simply a freshly brewed cup of coffee. However, when we peer through the lens of gratitude in the context of adoption, gratitude is not so easily defined.

As adoptees, most of us have been exposed to the savior narrative and told at some point in our lives by family, friends, and even strangers that we should be grateful for our adoptions. My own adoptive mother alluded this to me growing up:

“Your birth mother must have loved you so much to give you up,” she had told me.

Already, almost as soon as I had learned English, I was given the impression that adoption is a selfless and honorable act for both the birth and adoptive parents, and that my adoptive siblings and I should feel fortunate for our new lives—and that was that. I felt confused, thinking that abandonment was a funny way to love someone, but when my adoptive mom put it that way, how dare I feel anything but grateful? Gratitude doesn’t allow room to express the loss, grief and trauma adoptees often struggle with. Even though I didn’t remember anything about my birth mother, I even created a narrative in my mind of her as an impoverished, desperate woman who had given my sister and me a better life in America, all to justify my sense of gratitude.

It wasn’t until I came out of the fog nine years ago—a moment in life when an adoptee comprehends and confronts the emotions and often repressed feelings related to their adoption experience— that I started to understand the lasting impacts of adoption and realized how much I had repressed my own trauma. I took steps to find answers about my past and birth family, and to deep dive into the emotions and feelings I hadn’t allowed myself to confront as a young, depressed, angry adoptee. I’ve done a lot of healing since then, and it took many years to get to the healthy mental well-being I’ve worked hard to cultivate today. Despite my early struggles, I feel empowered and grateful for my journey.

Recently, I find it surprising and ironic that I have felt guilty for feeling grateful for my adoption. In the adoptee community, I have discovered that the notion of 'gratitude' is often polarizing. Depending on our experiences, we might view adoption as either the worst or best thing that ever happened to us.

During this year's summer Olympics in Paris, Simone Biles, the most decorated Olympic gymnast in history, recently proclaimed in an interview she was grateful for her adoption by her grandparents. Biles entered the foster care system at age 3 because her birth mother struggled with drug and alcohol addiction.

"If not for my parents and adoption, I wouldn't be here today," Biles stated.

Some adoptees may cringe at her sentiment, seeing it as perpetuating the gratitude narrative that adoptees have been expected to accept throughout their lives. Ultimately, the trauma and loss inherent in adoption need to be acknowledged and better understood—by adoptive parents, therapists, and the general public—and adoptees should be given the compassion to express whatever feelings they have about their individual experiences, whether those feelings are gratitude, anger, or indifference.

The reality is, I wouldn’t be where I am and who the person I am today, if it hadn’t been for adoption. I wouldn’t have met my wonderful husband who shows me an unconditional love that neither my birth or adoptive parents could provide, and my son wouldn’t exist. I wouldn’t have been inspired to write my book to help other adoptees if I hadn’t gone through the struggles I’ve experienced. Could I still have lived a wonderful life if I had never been adopted and stayed in Korea? Possibly. But I choose to view the glass as half full—through clear-colored lens, of course.

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